and life goes on as messed up as always!

so here comes another messed up chapter of my life alot has happened since my last post yet again. i finally ended up going to texas and me and anna were going to try things again. i got together the money i needed and got 2 hotels along the way i got almost to the first one and got a call from anna and she informed me she was seeing someone. surprise surprise but what ever the main reason for the trip was to get away from life and be a part of anaiahs life for once. i ended up getting there and i took anna and anaiah out to eat. it turned out to be pretty much the only family thing we ever did the whole time i was there. when i got there it was anna, anaiah, me, tim and his girlfriend sonia. so it was a really packed house. within less then a week it was decided tim was being kicked out because sonia didnt want him around anymore. it was really nice having sonia around cause i was pretty much left to take care of anaiah without any help other then here and she really helped me out and let me know i was doing a good job and i kinda just fell right into being a dad like it was nothing and it felt good. things were crazy and then the first wednesday i was there anna and sonia went out to the bar because anna does karaoke EVERY wednesday which happens to be payday too. so they end up coming home and who comes along with them? annas boyfriend well it ends up that anna and him stay out in the kitchen in sonias bed because im already in annas bed and sonia comes crawling into the bed which kinda surprised me. now she had already said that she could totally go for me if i had been available (she knew i was in love with lauren) and i kinda liked her but i hadnt really said anything. she said something about how if i hadnt gotten the hints she kinda liked me. i didnt really know what to think and i dont remember what i had said but we just kind cuddled a little bit i held her hand and she kept getting really close so i figured id kiss her and see. she kissed me back but it really didnt seem like it was what she wanted to i just cuddled with her for the rest of the night it was nice. after that i think it just went back to me sleeping with anna which sucked. by the way rewind a little and yes me and anna still had sex off and on i really wasnt to interested after the first time cause it really wasnt to great but we messed around on and off again. anyways one night a few nights after anna said she didnt want me to sleep in her bed that night so i ended up sleeping with sonia again which was weird i didnt know really what went on the first time she had been drinking and what not. but it was determined she still wanted to cuddle neither of us really knew what we wanted she had a guy she loved but she didnt know what he wanted from her and i loved lauren but we both enjoyed having someone to share a bed with. anyways i think for the first week that was kinda off and on then annas bf came over again and they where going at it with no door between the rooms and just being obnoxious  and we had enough we left and got a hotel room for the night i was like her knight in shining armor with that move. we ended up talking that night and she asked if things didnt work out with her guy would i be interested and i said ya i thought she would be really good for me. anyways its hard to remember when what happened but after that she started her job so it was just hectic i would take anna to work in the morning come home take care of anaiah for a little bit while hanging out with sonia then id take here to work, pick anna up for lunch, take her back, pick up sonia, and then pick up anna so ya i never got a break so i never ended up getting a job like i had wanted to. anna never ended up paying my insurance, credit card payment, cell phone bill, or anything else she had promise to do once again big shocker. so things really sucked there was no money to do anything and barely any food yet anna went out to the bar everyweek and smoked her pot and went through a pack a day of cigarettes. after that other night with annas bf it was pretty much everynight that i was sleeping with sonia every now and again anna would ask where i was sleeping and i would just sleep in there to not cause a problem but i really hated it i wanted to be cuddling with sonia. anna kept mentioning off and on that sonia really liked me and at first i would just be like ok and? then after a while i would just say ya i know. eventually sonias guy finally said he loved her and they were offically a couple but we still cuddled everynight. after a while i started telling anna id rather sleep out there and i stopped caring what she thought. anna would keep asking if we were having sex and we should just be honest and all this crap and i just told her the truth we hadnt because we really hadnt. anna the whole time kept having this thing for sonia and she wanted to have sex with her and she pretty much tried to force her self on her. so one night they went out to the bar again and they got home and me and sonia was doing something and anna left the room and real quickly she pulled me close and said i hope you dont get mad at me and she kissed me and asked me to keep anna away from her that night. so that was the first time sonia actually kissed me i really didnt know what to think. i just ended up looking out for her and the night ended as usual. so i think it was the 3rd or 4th week i ended up going the the bar with anna cause sonias bf didnt want her to go so i had to go so i could drive. it was so annoying she kept hitting on this guy then got all depressed when her eye candy left. THENNN the wanted me to dance with her i was like hell no and she wanted to know why and i finally said cause ive never danced before and i waiting to do it with someone special. that made her a little mad but what ever its important to me and i wasnt gonna have my first dance be with anna. we got home and at that point she was all over me she wanted me so bad and i was like no im sorry i do not want to sleep in here with you cause im not doing this with you while you are this drunk. i layed there and talked to sonia about it and i told her how the really reason is i just flat out wanted to be sleeping next to her we both kinda smiled. sonia was getting really confused about her bf he was really flakey i guess you would say so we kept talking a little but she was also talking to a couple other guys and i ended up taking her to see one this one night and it was really akward. i ended up taking my knife just in case and turns out when he went to talk to her in private after we said we where gonna go in a half hour that he pretty much tried to force him self on her and i ended up interrupting it and saving her she was really shaken up and happy i had been there when we got down the road a little i took the knife out of my pocket and i told her ill always have your back and i was ready for anything and that i protect my friends with my life if i needed to. she was just like in awe a little we ended up getting home really late and of course anna wanted to know were we went and she thought we were off doing stuff. after that we were pretty close but she started going to see her bf that lived out of town and i usually had to take her. me and anna ended up going to the bar again which i hated it was boring as hell and she was very annoying drunk off her ass eventually that night she asked me if i still loved her and for the first time ever i was honest and i told her no i didnt. i think she was pretty hurt but nothing had changed and she was as bad as ever so i wasnt gonna lie and give her hope. now just to skip ahead through the bullshit in between me sonia and tim went to the mall i dont remember what the plan was but she got a call half way through the parking lot… it was her bf or so she thought turns out it was her bfs girlfriend she was talking all kinds of shit and he was in the backgroung shouting to this girl that him and sonia were just friends. she kinda broke down after that and i had to watch her pretty closely she decided she couldnt work and she was going to get admitted somewhere then she got scarred and we just told anna that but ended up staying at tims dads place with him and tim. i went over there while anna was at work and we pretended she wasnt in town. after that i ended up taking her to the club with tim one night when anna knew she was “back” and anna flipped out and said if she was going to be doing that after having a breakdown like that then anaiah wasnt allowed around her so i wasnt since i was always taking care of anaiah. of course that never stopped me lol a couple nights after we were talking and she said i wish i could be your girl now i really didnt know what to do i liked her but i still loved lauren and didnt want to give up on her but everytime in the past i waited i ended up regretting it so i just said well why cant you be. so after that i just couldnt wait to see her so i could kiss her so of course the next day tim was with us all day and i know he still loved her so i couldnt do that in front of him so just when ever i could id hold her hand or something like that then at the end of the night she sent tim in and said she needed to talk to me about something and then we kissed real quick and said our goodnights. after that things started getting really hard because of anna so we felt really close and stupid me i just had to tell her a few days later that i loved her she told me she did to but i still wasnt sure about us it seemed weird i guess but it was nice. i think it was the next night she insisted that i stayed the night so i ended up sleeping on the floor because there wasnt enough room for all 4 of us in the bed lol but i reached up and we held hands all night. anna was really pissed about it but i told her she needed to get over it a couple nights later i ended up taking the twin air bed i we had bought over to there place and she decided she wanted to sleep with me on it which was awkward but that was ok we barely sleep we pretty much kissed all night it was awesome im a sucker for kisses. then the night after that i just went to see her and the owners of the place said we all needed to leave and they were calling the cops because tims dad is the only person on the lease. that night we ended up sleeping in my car at walmart. after that it was so hectic i had to get money to get us rooms to keep her off the street and we decided we had to leave. the second night we had a room we ended up having sex for the first time it was amazing it deffently is different then when i had with anna when we had sex with someone you care about is just so much better. she was very impressed which of course was nice too lol. a few days after that after alot of bs with anna we ended up leaving and we brought anaiah with us. i managed to get enough money together for gas but that was it so we had to just rest for a few hours here and there and then keep driving. along the way sonia wanted to tell me her life story she told me everything about her self and everything she had been through and i did the same even though mine was a little shorter lol. the trip was quit an adventure we stopped in Louisiana and we walked around for a bit and enjoyed the sites then we got back to the road. we stopped at pretty much every welcome center along the way and omg when we crossed the mississippi river she was in awe of it the smile on her face it what i live for it made me so happy to see her so excited. we ended up having to ask my mom for a hotel in ohio because i was tired and it was raining to much for me to see to drive. we were supposed to be stopping in new york to drop anaiah off with my mom and she thought we were only about half way so far so the next day she was really surprised. i had randy take her out around the time we were coming into town so we got there and we all sat on the couch when she got home and amazingly we kept anaiah quiet and she walked in that door and we scared the shit out of her.  we were supposed to go to maine but ended up staying in ny. sonia got a job and i had one that was starting in a few weeks. then things started getting different between us i dont know exactly what was happening she kept trying to tell me she just wasnt feeling well but things were ok. then out of no where she left to go see her mom cause she has cancer and she was on a bus she reassured me she was coming back then the day she got there she changed her number and i didnt hear from her again untill like 2 weeks later which was the day before last. from the info i have gotten it sounds like she had been with paul again and now she is with tim again so i just really dont know what to think anymore i was so betrayed by her. i dont even know what to feel about it things were different with her we never had that spark i had with tamara or that i had felt towards lauren i just felt easy and normal and nothing special but it was still nice and i was happy and now that she is gone im lonely but sometimes i dont even really think about her at all its like she was never really here the only thing that really upsets me is how close we were as a family she loved anaiah and i never thought i would find someone that would take her as a part of there life and just love her like she was there own. but still she is the only person ive ever cared for that i think eventually i wont even remember she is just barely a thought sometimes. anyways i just dont know im supposed to be leaving for virginia again tomorrow i still need to call and see if they will put me on the schedule and all that good stuff. im not really looking forward to it, it is going to be rough ill be sleeping in my car atleast for a little while then from there i dont know. im planning on going to see a counselor i need to get myself a little more stable  mind if i could just keep myself determined i know i could get my life into a much better place i have the determination its just hard to keep it. but anyways i guess thats a full update ill have to try keeping it more up to date from now on.

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long long time

so its been a hell of a long time since ive done one of these not that theres anyone to read it anymore and the only one that did has just let me down in everyone i dont really even feel like we will be much for friends anymore. but atleast ive finally put things between us to rest now just to make my life worth something. i just really dont know where im going or what i should do. tamara her fiance and i got a townhome together which turned out to be a bad idea but not for the reason everyone was expected but the other thing i was worried about which was there budgeting i was hoping tamara had grown up a little bit but of course i was wrong. she thinks i owe them because i havent payed the full amount on rent yet but ive payed probably $400 extra in gas since they havent held up there end so now ive just said i need to go back to manassas. which is just dissapointing i dont want to be living with strangers again and even though it comes down to them it still makes me feel bad leaving because i know they wont make it on there own but if i stay i will probably just be brought down with them. everything is just so frustrating ive been single for almost 2 years now and it just sucks im not someone who can be very happy when im alone. sooooo since my last post alot of time has past i went completly off the map a while ago and let myself get interested in this black girl which anyone who knows me was pretty much shocked she really wasnt my type at all but she gave me attention when i was so beaten up it had made me start cutting so i let her in and nothing happened other then me being taken advantage of. during that time i met another girl named lauren which honestly i wish i could have made myself persue her earlier because i am completely in love with her now but in the time i was so unsure about everything she managed to fall for someone who is just horrible for her but i totally see it which is why its so frustrating. everything was right in front of my face but i still couldnt see it or more convince myself of it. now anna wants to move back to maine and be a family and i am stuck with the decision on weather after half a year i should just give up on lauren and make my life a little easier or stick with lauren who might never end up being with me. it drives me insane because i really really love her and for the first time i feel like its not perfect but it could be perfect in that way i think we really balance each other and all i want to do is say all these things to convince her. i just want to do everything i can for her and i can love her… no i do love her the way she says she wants to be loved kevin will always just have eyes for her when no one else is around to see it and i wouldnt be surprised if they were off and doing there thing and if another women walked by he would probably be staring at her in the middle of it.

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inside its raining

im so tired of hurting all the time i wish i had someone to talk to but the only person i have im in love with and thats alot of what i want to talk about so who am i supposed to talk to. i think about everything way to much i think about anna and missing seeing aniah grow up and seeing her be born. wishing i had given things a chance again when i had the opportunity instead of holding on to something i knew would never happen. problem is even if i could make things work here ill never pursue it because im afraid of being rejected. i keep telling myself im not letting myself get the wrong idea but i am. everytime i see her i just wish i could kiss her and i dont  know if she even knows things havent changed for me at all. i emailed her a while ago but i forgot it was from my new email so i dont know if she got it or read it. i wish i had been a little more cautious but i gave her everything i had and now i just cant stop loving her.

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no more blood to bleed

i just have no clue anymore i just feel completely and utterly lost i dot have anything left so where do i go from here? this position was the last thing i had to keep my spirits up and now that’s gone too. i have any idea what to do to try to make myself happy there only one thing that i even think could and I’m not even sure of that any more. i feel so empty ive felt that way for a long time now it just feels like the bottoms been cut out and any little thing that trickles in goes right back out. i felt like things were finally looking up just a tiny bit and it just came crashing down again. i just wish i knew what to do i feel so helpless how can someone not have any idea how to be happy. i just wish sometimes i had settled it would have made things a lot easier. i just wish there was an escape but there isn’t I’m completely trapped and theirs nothing i can do.

Suffering from something we’re not sure of
In a world there is no cure for
These lives we live test negative for happiness
Flat line, no pulse, but eyes open
Single file like soldiers on a mission
If theres no war outside our heads
Why are we losing?

I don’t ask for much
Truth be told I’d settle
For a life less frightening, a life less frightening
I don’t ask for much
Truth be told I’d settle
For a life less frightening, a life less frightening

Hang me out to dry I’m soaking
With the sins of knowing
What’s gone wrong but doing nothing I still run
Time again I have found myself stuttering
Foundations pulled out from under me
This breath is wasted on them all
Will someone answer me?

I don’t ask for much
Truth be told I’d settle
For a life less frightening, a life less frightening
I don’t ask for much
Truth be told I’d settle
For a life less frightening, a life less frightening

Is there a God tonight?
Up in the sky or is it empty just like me (Just like me)
A place where we can hide out from the night
Where you are all I see (Where you are all I see)
So blow a kiss goodbye, close your eyes
Tell me what you see (Tell me what you see)
A life that’s set inside this dream of mine
Where you are all I see

I don’t ask for much
Truth be told I’d settle
For a life less frightening, a life less frightening
I don’t ask for much
Truth be told I’d settle
For a life less frightening, a life less frightening

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in the dark…

its so hard to write these anymore even when i want to do one i just never know how to translate everything into text. life has just been so hard lately i dont know why but the last week between everything in my life and the flat out boredom ir seems almost unberrible sometimes. last week was the only enjoyable time i can remember for the longest time i wish i could just let go of these feelings so i could just hang out with my best friend but i dont know if she really even cares to the few times i mention it it seems like she either doesnt realize it or avoids it i was surprised when she said sure about putting in the radio. but i dont know theres alot of good reasons like the fact of how im talking now. i just dont know what to do sometimes i feel helpless the only thing i could give a damn about theres nothing i can do about its so frustrating. i go to work everyday and what for to pay bills and thats it i could save money if i wanted but what for? i just want her and theres nothing i can do unless she wants me to do something and even if she did she probably wouldnt ever let me know because she wouldnt want me hurt again. i hope if she ever does feel that way she can realize that unless she got my hopes up and made me feel like everything was perfect and great again when it wasnt i really cant be hurt any more. i dont mean that in a negative way its just how i full i hurt because i get more involved then i should its not like we had been together for years and engaged or anything. i know i should try to move on and ive tried but it just doesnt work ive only managed to even try twice and those 2 girls didnt even bother to reply to me and ya i know i said ive met a couple girls but that was a lie along with having sex i havent talk to or had sex with a girl since tamara. well i actually did have an offer from an older lady tonight but it just didnt feel right and i know deep down it wont be very good anyways sex just isnt like that for me and it never has been. i just miss it i love just hanging out i always have fun but i cant help but want more… to be able to hold her and kiss her to i miss being a part of her life i dont even know wtf she is up to these days. i miss everything about it i miss spending time over there i miss tamara and kelsey and her mom and click, missy, and luna. ugh anyways i think thats all thats in there right now and i need to get my food out of the oven. not like its important to have long exciting ones anymore anyways i dont know if she even reads them anymore and if so im sure she isnt ever excited to see theres a new one knowing that it will probably be another depressing mess of a post.

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i dont know who i am anymore

well i was about to go to sleep early for the first time ever but then my mind got to thinking about stupid shit again. i was doing decent for a while then it had to go and snow which brings up tons of problems with my car which makes me depressed and remind me of things like how i was going to propose and the last time i saw snow in this town. i just think all the time how i want to see tamara and hang out with her and just wish she would ask if i wanted to cause i cant bring myself to. dont know whether she just doesnt want to or just is still trying to give me space. i hate that ive seen her only a couple times in the last few months and talked to her about the same. i wish there was something i could do hell even if i wanted to take medication i cant afford it. i guess im just ending this now before i say things that i shouldnt i dont want any one bugging me about it.

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im so tired of everything

i dont even know where to start i hate writing depressing things but what else do i really have i sleep and go to work im so tired of it. every one is like go meet people go make friends blah blah blah i dont want new fucking friends im not the type of person who can make friends that easily it takes many years for me to feel comfortable calling some one a friend and feeling comfortable with being me its not exatly easy. plus whats the point ive pretty much decided im leaving when my lease is up i no longer have a reason to be here. all thats here are things that remind me of tamara even driving past taco bell or going to the walmart on liberia brings back stupid memories… i cant even look at the damn super 8. i just want to move on and i cant the best i can do is maybe 4 or 5 maybe 6 a week if im lucky be ok with my life without her. but i honestly dont think ill ever truly move on. im at the point where i could be happy with someone but i think it would be like with anna i might think im in love but i wont be. i thought i was but being with her felt nothing like being with tamara even at its best. anyways i just need to get out of here and try to go on with my life and maybe one day i can look at a dating site and not be frustrated just on looks alone let alone descriptions. im just so tired of it all its just frustrating sometimes i wish i had gone against what i thought would make me happy before it was to late but now theres just no going back sadly i can never change how i feel now. i just wish i knew what to do but for what i really want i dont think there is anything to do i think 3 month is a little to long of waiting to do something i keep thinking now is better then never since i think i finally figured it out but im sure its to late so why put myself through hearing it so why crush myself even more when i already know it anyways. i hate the though of what if thats the wrong choice but i just dont think its worth the pain anymore if it did matter to her at all she could tell me some how because im already as low as i can take and get going. i already have days where i call in sick or late just because i cant motivate myself to get out the door. i already make dumb enough decisions i dont need more depression to add on to it and make it worse. i just hate how boring life is without her and how easy it could have been to save things hell i think i could have saved it if i had just listened more closely to what she told me when we broke up i dont know if she was or not but i think she told me how to fix it in her own way but probably im just crazy. i dont know i guess ill just hope if she reads this and she does want me to fix it she will let me know by even just giving me more time but i doubt it. so i guess i just need to start looking harder for a second job child support is coming right up and ill have to spend every penny i get now on that and im sure if i get another job a nice chunk of that so ill need one if i ever wanna get out of here. i hate to leave i love my job and this town but its just to tiring to not have anyone here half the time i dont even feel like i have tamara as a friend anymore and especially not one i can spend any time with. so if i move to maine then ill atleast have dustin, cote, and puddin to hang out with or see my mother and randy and my brother if i got to new york or be with my daughter in texas and maybe fix things with anna ugh i wish it was that simple she wants me to shes offered to help get me there get me a job give me a car and a cheap room in the house. i think i could be happy but i dont think i could ever love her i dont think i could ever love anyone but think how atleast we would be a family and just being close to someone that wanted to be with me would be nice but it just sounds so unfair because she would want to hear i love you and i know ever time id say it it would be a lie… *sigh* i just dont know. ugh its 6:30 AM and im to depressed to lay there in bed till i can fall asleep all i want is to know what to do.

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